Beautiful faces.

"Just for 10 minutes," I tell myself. "I'm just gonna look through my magazines for 10 minutes." I flip through the pages slowly with the curiosity of a 2-year old playing discovering the joys of bubble bath for the first time. Not a single advertisement escapes my gaze. The bright colors and beautiful people hypnotize me into a zombie-like state.

I'm sucked in.

So many beautiful faces. It's not even about them being skinny, it's about them being b e a u t i f u l. Even the girls draw me in closer with their glowing skin and seductive gazes. No, I'm not a closet lesbian- I just have no shame in praising beauty when I see it. There are two kinds of people in the magazines, or at least my brain thinks so. My small imperfect asian eyes scan across familiar names..."Kirsten Dunst" "Michelle Williams" "Orlando Bloom" and so on. Beautiful, beautiful, all so fucking beautiful. And then I think to myself, it's not really fair. But I guess genetics just pick who they deem worthy. After awhile the jealousy fades and I go back to admiration of these beautiful, wondrous faces. I stumble across Jake Gyllenhaal. My eyes blink for the first time since I opened the magazine. God he is beautiful. I mean, I had though of him as "cute" before, but here. Fuck.

See this happens to me every once in awhile- I'll come across a picture of some famous face and become immediately obsessed with the person. Or maybe with the picture. I can't even tell anymore. It's happened with Billy Martin from Good Charlotte, Shane West, Brian Pittman and Dave Douglas and Matt T. from Relient K, Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park, just to name a few. It's quite unhealthy, I think. Maybe it's just human, but once again I end up refusing to allow myself to be just that- human. I don't want to be like every teenage girl. Look at my walls- no posters, no magazine cutouts...just 4 chertruse walls with scattered frames filled with black and white photographs I've taken. I'm sure there's some part of me, deep down, that wants to have those cheesy posters up. Posters of cute boys and beautiful girls. Posters that I can drool over every night before I go to bed with the hopes that sometime during the night I will encounter their beautiful faces in my dreams. Yes, in my dreams, where I can be their pretty, wonderful, perfect girlfriend.

Oh well, maybe another day.

--Lauren

[what was ... what will be]