I'm trying something new, something outside myself.

If it turns out he's not interested, will I regret having been so assertive?

The truth is, that's only second on my mind. First on my mind is me beggingpleadingHOPING that I won't need to ask myself that question.

It's funny that I'm so focused on this, especially since I feel like I'm only attracted to him in a very systematic and logical way, instead of in that butterflyinyourstomachmakemesmileverytimeiseeyouboyweweremeanttobe way. The whole playing guitar and singing for me excluded. And maybe that's what keeping me interested.

The truth of the matter is that this is the first boy I've ever felt something realistic could happen with, instead of some dreamy-but-never-gonna-happen scenario. This is not someone I'm idolizing. I feel it is possible, and I'd like to think I have enough reasons to think so. I always get ahead of myself. I really do hope this is not just another one of those times.

All I can think about is how when I told Nelly about him the day that we were going to hang out, I did not expect her to look at me with genuine eyes and this loving voice that only comes from the friends you love, to say "Oh Lauren, I'm happy for you. You really deserve this." And I used to think that exact same sentiment to myself a lot in the past, yet not anytime recently. I've been too in love with life and with friends. But loneliness is something that never leaves your chest cavity. It is something that only gets temporarily detoured before you're back on that same dead end road again. So now all I've been obsessed with is the thought that

I deserve to have somebody.

--Lauren

[what was ... what will be]