I never understood the song until now.

It's a long ordeal that I'm not going to put you through (because it's nowhere near worth it nor should I allow myself to dwell) but I will say this:

It was not until last night at 4:47 AM watching my own headlights bounce off the cold asphault while driving with five shots of eighty proof in my unintoxicated system that I related to the words. I had never even stopped to think about their meaning behind their beautiful aesthetics until it narrated what was shooting through my head at the time. Because yes, it has got to get better. I'm saying it's all in my head. I could either live through these letters or forget it altogether. See, the months they odn't matter to me, it's the days that I can't take, when the hours move to minutes and I find myself seconds away. And it's true, I discovered. It's true. I'm going through revelations as I'm blowing smoke out my window and as headlights come from behind, I think (and possibly hope) that it is one of you, but it's only the newspaper delivery service. So much for good news. But I don't know what I want(ed). I just had to get out of there. I don't mind the constant feeling of inadequacy, but when it's blatant and screaming past every mask I've managed to fit just correctly, it breaks a person. And it comes down to lying on your stomach outside in the cold, whispering to yourself like some crazy person. Telling yourself that though you've managed to use up every inch of self-pity in your system, though your eyes have reached their drought, that it's not because you stopped feeling sorry for yourself. It's about coming to terms with what you are- because I am alone in the worst way. Try singing yourself to sleep with those words.

As usual, by morning I have bounced back and on goes the show. Like nothing happened. And as ridiculous as it sounds, part of me wishes I had a larger reserve of passionate self-loathing. Because as lovely as confidence and happiness are, they wear thin the longer they don't get you what you're looking for.

And I find myself turned over on my back thinking to myself how clear the stars look from here and wonder if I'm going to be this lonely for the rest of my life.

--Lauren

[what was ... what will be]