"Where the hell did I park?"

I don't even remember what night it was, and so let's throw in the phrase "the other night". And I spill like milk to cry over with a willing hesitance. Explaining the way I use vibrationsturnedpitchesturnednotesturnmusicturnedsongs as my personal time machine, whether I mean to or not, would have proved difficult if she had not been so patient. Perhaps my comparisons to it feeling similar to consciousness fading in after a dream so vivid you feel it in the way your heart changes its rhythmn, the way your skin forms little mountains that remember. You zone out everything around you and you're straining with everyinchcentimetermillimeter of your body and mind and soul just to feel it again. And sometimes, if you try hard enough, you're successful- if even for a few seconds. It's self-hypnosis and I'm sucking up every drop. Remembering where I was this same time last year and seeing how far I've come, and yet how much I miss. You'll always hear people talk about how this weather is so depressing. I personally think people are quick to put the label of "depressing" on what is, in reality, something that they are scared of simply because it has the power to think and feels with infinite times more intensity. Playlists begin to replace incomprehendable screaming with pianos and violins. Silence loses its awkwardness and gains a sudden seduction. White Christmas lights begin to adorn quaint downtown streets lined with people in scarves and sweaters trying to stay warm.

I remember the nights on the third floor of the library in a hidden corner I remember the night lights reflecting off the wet ground I remember deciding on forgiveness I remember reading in the rain I remember kisses from strangers I remember loving girls as broken as I through pixels and phone lines I remember discovering the greatest music ever I remember San Francisco in the dark I remember black and white photographs I remember eating sushi on sofas

I remember what it's like to actually want to be alone sometimes

(I can't explain the schizophrenia)

--Lauren

[what was ... what will be]