"You're going to have to deal with the girlfriend eventually."

I know, I know, I know.

So I've already taken the step of meeting her. Or rather, he finally took the step of introducing us. I can handle that. But now he's starting to attempt to include her in our plans. Which apparently I am not ready for, judging by the extreme possessiveness I immediately feel whenever such a suggestion is made.

But it's true- I do have to face her eventually. And deal with the fact that she's a part of his life now. I make it sound quite ridiculous, I am aware of that. The thing is, I've never been resentful about girlfriends before. Maybe because the situation's never been this awkward before. Understand that he was the first boy I have ever come clean to. Meaning that in all the other scenarios, the boys never knew I liked them, and neither did their girlfriends. I don't know if this one knows.

What I do know is that I've always hated being the third wheel in general. There's my first excuse. The next is that I've always dealt with the minor discomfort of watching two people show physical affection the same way I deal with anything that makes me uncomfortable- make a joke out of it, distract myself. Which would work perfectly if only it weren't for all the undertones and hidden thoughts that are now available for his scrutinization and interpretation (as well as hers, provided she knows). I hate having to put up fronts to protect myself from breaking. It's the worst feeling in the world. And I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet. I may be able to deal with hanging out with the two if there's a lot of other people around, but I'm not about to lie to myself and act like I can deal with them alone. I need distractions and outlets.

It would also help if the girl was easy to approach. But she's intimidating as fuck. She's the book I'm judging and her cover screams elitist and mean. And I don't handle people like that very well.

It's basically inadequacy all over again. The same scenario of me being on the outside.

I think what it comes down to is me needing to give her a chance when I'm ready. And if I find that her pages match her cover, then I need to walk away. From the both of them.

I apologize to any of you that read all this disgustingly immature banter.

--Lauren

[what was ... what will be]